Today is a hard day for me...I find myself feeling more and more lost as time goes on. Holding my daughter helps me get through the bad days. I saw my grandma Louk this past weekend and I was so touched because as I was playing with Peyton on the floor in front of her. Peyton was smiling and laughing and my grandma looked at me and said that she smiles just like Penny. What a wonderful thing for Peyton to have inherited....mom was always known for her smile and laugh and I'm touched that people can see that through Peyton.
Several people have asked if I would share a copy of the tribute that I gave to my mother at her funeral. I'm more than happy to share those same words with you all again..
Penny Sue Louk, she was a wife, a mother, a grandmother, and a friend. To me, she was my mother and I called her "Pooh." I have nothing but the findest memories of the amazing woman we are here to pay our respects to today. She is the bravest person I will ever know in my lifetime. In the back of my mind I've always known that this day would come. I could never have prepared myself for it to be so soon. My mom's life was cut was to short and she did no deserve the hand that she was dealt. I cannot be bitter because my mom never was. She never asked "why me" and she never felt soff for herself. What an amazing gift to live your life with such acceptance for those things that you cannot change.
Gorwing up I felt sad because my mom couldn't always be there with me during special times. But, I soon came to realize that even though she could not be there physically, she was there in the ways that counted the most. I feel that I was blessed growing up the way that I did....it is something that you cannot appreciate unelss you've lived it yourself. My mom taught me how to be independent, how to appreciate the small things in life, and most of all the true meaning of love. I had the perfect example of what love is staring me in the face my entrire lifetime. I have a father who is an amazing man and was her caretaker for life. They taught me the true meaning of the words "in sickness and in health" and they taught me that you do not walk away when times get tough.....you fight harder to get through them.
My mom would not want me to bring up sad times or shed so many tears. She would feel bad because I was hurting inseide and do everything in her power to make me feel better. Only this time she is not here to do so. There are no words to describe how much I will miss her and there are no words to describe the emptiness inside. I would give anything if she was sitting her before me asking me to pull her up in her wheelchair, scratch her nose, get the hair out of her mouth, or get her something to drink. But it is time for my dad, brother, and me to let go. Something that we have treasured for so long is no longer there and this proves to be the biggest challenge that lies ahead of us. But we were not made to be weak we were made to be strong and my mom's spirit will be there to guide us every step of the way.
When I think of my mom, I think of her smile and I think of her laugh. There is nothing like it. Her eyes would light up and sparkle anytime we entered the room. And just when we thought we wouldn't see that sparkle again, she opened them for us one last time in the hospital. One last time for us to feel the joy of her smile and the sparkle in her eye.
I had many opportunities to reflect on all the happy memories with my brother and father as we sat at my mom's bedside. I'll never forget the look in my brother's eyes as he shared one of his last memories of her with me. A few weeks before my mom passed she had not been feeling well and had a really bad day. She was lying in bed at home so Chad went to see her with a bowl of homemade ice cream. He walked into her bedroom, woke her up, and asked her if she wanted some ice cream. Her eyes got as big of round as you can imagine and she shook her yead yes. Chad got her out of bed and took her to the kitchen to feed her ice cream and during this time she was able to speak with him better than she has in several years. Chad, please always remember how much she loved you. You will always be her little boy.
Dad, you have always been my rock and you were mom's too. There was no one that could take care of her quite like you. Every year when I came home to stay with her during your fishing trips, not even two hours would pass since you had left and she would look at me and say "when is dad coming home." I would look at her and smile and joke with her because I knew that no one compared to you when it came to taking care of her every need.
Mom, we will always remember you and your love for the small things in life. When you were healthy you loved to dance, you loved to cook, and you loved to go shopping. You loved dressing me up in my dance clothes and you loved Christmas. I will never forget your love for the holidays and will always share that same spirit with my daughter. As you became sick you had to adapt the the changes and with that you were not able to do the things that you loved so much, but we will always remember your love for CNN, Dateline NBC, 60 minutes or any other news program we could on the the tv for you. We will always remember how you despised President Bush and I hope you are finally getting your wish....I can see you now holding your Bush picket sign in heaven.
I am truly thankful that I had the opportunity to spend the entire last week of my mom's life with her. I was able to tell her goodbye, tell her how much I love her, and tell her that it was okay to say goodbye. Her spirit will live on in me forever and my daughter Peyton will always know what an amazing woman her grandmother was. On behalf of dad, Chad, Heath, Brock, and Peyton, we love you and are at peace that you are finally free.
With words I'm able to voice how I feel. With pictures I'm able to reflect on all the memories. With family I'm able to feel how much you all love me. For those of you who did not know my mother personally, I wish you could have had the chance.....she had a special message to teach to all. Let's appreciate the things that life has given to us, let's not be bitter for those things we cannot change, let's focus on the things that mean the most and let's put the petty stuff to rest.
I encourage everyone to treasure the moments they have with the ones that they love. I encourage you all to take a step a back and look at what your life really means to you. I encourage you on the days that you think you've got it bad to put yourself in someone else's shoes....empathy is the greatest gift that can ever be taught and it was given to me by my mother.
Our little sweetheart
Thanksgiving Day....me and my baby!
I don't have a picture of it, but Peyton's favorite toy is a plastic water bottle. I could put every toy possible in front of her and she would rather play with the water bottle.
Jump....Jump.....Jump
Oh, the joys of winter.....the rosy red cheeks are a daily occurence for Peyton. Just when I get them looking better it never fails they go right back to looking like this.
